The first thing you must do is corner your kitties, and lock them in the bathroom. Good luck chasing them down; somehow they know evil is afoot and will run like they have a jalepeno up their little cat butts in an effort to escape you. Do not attempt an open-field tackle, they'll just make you look stupid. Once you have them cornered, they'll give you this look:

"Oh no daddy! Whatcha gonna do!?!?!?!"

Next put in your earplugs, because when you lower your cat into the bathtub, it's going to meow, whine, and carry on worse than a bratty kid around Christmas time. Like water is any worse than licking your own butt clean... sheesh...

The secret here is to have a declawed cat. If your cat is not declawed, have a friend call a paramedic now; by the time he's back, you'll be unconscious bleeding on the floor, your cat will be tie-dyed from your blood spurts, and it'll be long-gone, gleefully smearing several pints of O-positive all over your apartment.

Trying to hold a cat down when you wash him is a bit like playing naked Twister while covered in Crisco. Not that I would know, of course...

The key is to always keep one hand on the scrawny little rodent, while using the other to slather on the shampoo.

About now, your cat is plotting your death.

"Oh god, what did you do to Moki? Oh who cares, I better not be next!"

More than anything else, cats hate to be made to look foolish -- and few things make them look more foolish than when they're soaked (maybe that's why it's so fun to wash them?).

It's truly amazing to see a wet cat -- they lose literally half of their size, and look more like the chihuahua from a Taco Bell commercial than the epitome of feline grace.

A truly pitiful sight, ain't it? A cat that doesn't struggle is almost worse than one that does -- because you know it's using every little kitty brain cell in it's little kitty head to plot some nasty form of revenge to inflict on you for this indignity.

Think I'm kidding? I thought I was safe having declawed cats -- but they managed to repeatedly chew holes straight through rolls of toilet paper, so when you unrolled it, each sheet had a hole neatly placed in the middle of it. Amazing -- it was like unfurling those little paper cutouts you used to make in Kindergarten.

Only less entertaining.

"I'm going to crap in your shoes as soon as you go to sleep."

Cats are spiteful creatures, folks. Be prepared for severe repercussions.

The moral of the story is: Cats can be just as fun as dogs, as long as you know how to play with them properly.

.....

Andrew Welch / el Presidente / Ambrosia Software, Inc.